!!! Down The Lane !!!

A flicker of emotion,

A view that brings the feeling of Déjà vu,

A word, a look, a conversation

So many things, such little things,

Pushing you down to the huge landscapes of memory lane,

Feeling my heart full,

While looking at the drizzle outside my window,

I acknowledged all the memories, resurfacing,

Time stops, as I stay at the same spot at my window

But my mind travels, months, years, decades back

How I yearned to look at the brightest spot,

The one I always found in the kitchen of my old house,

Every morning, as my mom scutter around it,

How I yearned to come back to that small place I called home,

My mom kept it like heaven, waiting with a cup of tea

When I entered the house, hose down from rains,

How I yearned, to touch the softness of her wrinkles

Grace my hand on her hand, on her face

How I yearned to kiss her forehead again,

While she lay watching her favourite TV,

How I yearned to feel the coolness of the marbles,

Beneath my calf, as I spent lazy summer afternoons with my parents,

How I yearned to be able to dust away the years on yet another book,

From my grandfather’s collection and smell the old pages,

As my father tells me yet another instance

Of the love of books my grandfather nurtured,

How I yearned to feel the joy of my darling pet

Whenever I come home after a long absence,

The unconditional love he graces me with every single time,

He teaches me about relationships more than any human I know.

How I yearned to spend another night

Cuddled with my family in long summer nights

In overly cold room, cooled by the cooler

When air conditioning was far beyond the means,

How I yearned to feel his love again in my heart, in my bones,

As he protect me from the frowns of my parents,

Mischievousness & wrong doing's of my cousins

And unprecedented taunts of relatives,

How I yearned to ask him to borrow his big dial watch once again

I yearn for him every time I buy a watch till today,

None matches the warmth of his old cold steel,

Flashing on my tiny wrist, while I pretend to be someone big

How I yearned for all those lost years,

When we all could have been together,

When we could  have more time with one another,

Time we lost, trying to do the right thing,

Looking at the window, I realise something

I have everything I want,

I have it in me to get everything I desire

But, what I really need is already behind me.

!!! Lucky One !!!

You look at me and think

Am the lucky one

I have the best hair

The best watch,

The rich dress 

You are wrong

Don't you see my empty fingers

You look at me and think

Am the lucky one

I have the bling

Dangling from my ears 

Draped around my neck

Wrapped around my fingers 

You are wrong 

Don't you see my hollow eyes

You look at me and think

Am the lucky one

Without the care in the world

Having one Lager after another

Laughing as if there is no tomorrow

Sharing one story after another

You are wrong

Don't you  see my stories have no end

You look at me and think

Am the lucky one

I have the great job

The big bucks

Having the time of life

Living in my own world 

Roaming in horizons unexplored 

Don't you see I walk the road alone!

You look at me and think

Am the lucky one

I have the world at my palm

Can't you see am just a girl in a box!

Written by - the girl in the city!

!!! Ephemeral You !!!

Words stuck in the depths of my mind

If I could catch one, to create possibilities divine

Roaming around the corners of my subconscious

Ransacking neurons to find the story so precious

When I look at the old verses,

The journey I had taken, rehashes  

They reflect that time, when the girl I was

Somehow I just cannot find her

Life wasn't the bowl of cherries at that time

Yet, it brought the poet in me alive

Though I never want to travel back

But it gave me the grounding that I once lacked

Only recently I realised,

Sand flows faster, tighter the grip

The phases of you will come and go in a fit

Scattering everlasting impressions in your life,

Move, Move on, leave it and let go,

Only today needs to be cherished for what it holds!

Written By - My Grudge That I Refuse to Drop!

!!!Drink Your Feelings!!!

Gulp away the ephemeral moods,

Feel the agony of burning esteem,

Moving in the high of self-deception,

Glorifying in the internal ramification,

When world stand stills and you are reeling,

That’s when you know you are high on your feelings!

!!! Clean Slate !!!

I have seen the good, the desperate and the bad

Seen the drowned and the aloof

The convenience and the obligations

Nothing is even nearest to the expectation

View of such collaboration

Should be nothing less than celebration

Bonds wrapped around with respect

Unconditional support without introspect

Sight beholding entire universe

Caress soothing away the curse

Presence that ignites the soul

Feeling consumes whole

Obsessing unto sanity

Losing into the clarity

Interdependence of freedom

Leading to conquering kingdoms

Protect the forsaken

Catching the fallen

Holding what is owned

Finally a place to belong!

Where to find, what it will take

To start everything with a clean slate!

Written by - Seventeen year old Faith

!!! Tell Me My Story !!!

Look around, searching, hunting,

Things you know nothing about,

This world is governed by conventional

Suffocating, twirling around in limited dimension

Fighting for the space in this crowd

Where you can spread your wings around

May be someone will move to make space

Willingly, to give the presence you crave

Curious on the concept of miracles

Holding the left over of the imaginations

Tip toeing around the karmic interventions

Waiting, to be searched and found

Pondering on times cruelty,

Asking the unknown about

Where exactly to, in final story

Hoping, the one find its way back to me

Before we loose and become history.

Written By - Ritika Patel

!!! Evanescence !!!

They say moving ahead is all anyone can ever do. Its good, its positive and it keeps you hopeful. But life as I know it, it might look like we are making a choice but the truth of the life is that there is no other option with us than moving on. You have power to stop nothing, you may physically standstill but you cannot not stop time, you cannot stop the sunrise or sunsets, the laws of science or whatever is they call it will catch up with you, and you will have to keep moving, even if you think you aren't, you will still be withering away.

As I stand at the end of my twenties, my mind is in whirlwind of thoughts, each thought taking me down memory lane, some of it I didn't even realized I remember until recently, flashbacks so powerful, as if something is coming to an end, what exactly, I don't know, may be I am just being overly melodramatic about aging, that's the only plausible explanation I can give to myself so that I can remain sane until all of this gets over.

Only way I can handle these turbulent emotions, is by doing the only thing I do to handle everything else. I write.

I do come across as an extrovert, a peoples' person, but I know in hearts of heart, if given a choice I may never step out of my cocoon ever, given the fact I do not like ninety nine percent of the people I meet and interact with on daily basis. The biggest reason of the same is because in all my life I have never met a person who would not spend his life and words proving the correctness of his thoughts, his opinion, his way of life and living, or how very humble and good they are, either by rubbing it in your face, or being pitiful in order for you to sympathize with them by telling them that they are doing the best they could. In all my life I haven't met a single person who would come and say that they are not good people. Why I am writing about this, is coz recently though, I do understand why, exactly why sometimes a room full of people might make you feel like the only person in the room.

Looking back at the years I have lived, I know now, I am not a good person, nor am I bad. I am not humble nor boastful, neither honest nor a liar, am not someone with a heart of gold not exactly possessing a black heart either.  I have shades, so many of them that it becomes difficult for me to hold all of my self in my own mind sometimes, shades, many of which does not make me proud.
Truth remains I am a complicated individual, too far away from simplicity. I understand the meaning of being content, but still I want everything reasonable/unreasonable. I lived in my own world since the time I remember. I am a perfectionist who is not perfect, strong minded individual with lack of perseverance, as deep as shallow, full of hang ups, full of grudges,feelings like empathy, forgiveness, humbleness, kindness, doesn't come easily to me. I have had my heart broken more times I could count, and yet I fail to learn from it and many more darker, deeper shades that makes the bigger part of my being, that people around me know not of.
So when you look back at twenty something years of your life, look back at all the things you wanted to do but did not pursue, look back at the things you did do which doesn't make sense any more,  look back and realize you do not recognize the person you have been, or you have not been even an ounce of what you wanted. I wonder now, what exactly does it say about you?

Written By - Shade of Me

!!! First Derby !!!

Loneliness is a bitch. Especially when you are surrounded with friends, acquaintances, couples, food, variety of people and even bigger variety of beers. It starts to creep somewhere at the back of your mind and before you know it; it engulfs all your senses. You are talking, but you cannot listen anything, you are looking at people, but not able to see anything, you are surrounded by deafening music but yet silence is all you feel, you are moving with the music but after sometime you realize you are moving with the train of your over powering thoughts instead.

For the first time in your life you find yourself at the Derby, a laid back enthusiasm hovers in the stands, where some are busy deciding their next bet, others hogging on to the delicacies being served during and in between the races.  But all you can see is the way jockey pushes and pushes his horse to win, all you feel is a dull ache somewhere at the center of your being, realizing that something in you does not agree with what you are watching. Although the crowds’ deafening roar erupting to cheer their respective numbers, brings you back a bit from all your mulling, yet you fail to either participate or to understand the necessity of the entire act.

While you are trying to be acceptable with the fact that you are already stuck at the stand for next couple of hours so you might try to behave “not bothered or bored” and simultaneously trying to make an acquaintance understand that why you don’t buy animal prints or ride them, exactly in that moment one of the horses collapses just couple of yards before the finishing line, and you experience something which the people in general describes as “having your breathe caught in your throat”. With zillion experiences which can make your breathe caught in your throat, you would have never picked this one even if you have exhausted your chances of choosing all others. You stand there frozen, trying hard to make the sense of words spoken by the commentator, when he announces that the horse has just suffered a sudden heart attack. All the others who have betted on the number printed on the cover draped across that horse's back, are frustrated over the fact they lost their money, you look around to see if anyone, even one of them, is talking about that living thing that is now lieing on the ground still as a stone.

The moment is passed, the animal is taken away, and the races continue as if nothing happened. You too mingle with the expected, eating, drinking, chatting, dancing, trying your best to be social. 

Although the race course is closed and the party has began you see then very clearly that they are all in derby in their own minds competing with self on endless dimensions.

Somewhere in middle of all these, you look around and find yourself disconnected with everything, asking yourself one question you end up asking every single day, “what the hell are you doing here”, “why are you even here”. Just like that the auto pilot mode is switched off, and the feeling creeps in somewhere at the back of your mind, gradually engulfing you, making you want to turn around and keep walking, yet your social manners shackles you to the spot.

Even with the day spent the way it was spent, the only truly enjoyable thing you remember doing is the walk you took at the end of the night in pouring down rain, getting soaked to your skin as you walk towards your car instead of running and somehow that ten minutes’ walk becomes the highlight of your day, with every step the rain washes off, the talks, the music, the pretense, the dense fog of escapism and the clutter of boxed emotions. The feeling that has engulfed you isn’t bothering you anymore; it has grounded you instead, making you whole.

Written By – Ritika Patel

A Verse of Rakshabandhan

 A letter to my Little brother on the eve of Rakshabandhan....

I have been sharing words of wisdom,
All along as a way of finding the connection,
Thinking you may pick some pieces of liking,
Which might help you in surviving..

Life is not a piece of puzzle,
It’s neither unfair nor difficult
Just realise that needs to be realised
That it’s your, to whichever way you want it to channelize.

Struggles make us who we are
Let them shape you, don’t be tart,
Embrace rather than regret
Learn rather than forget.

Look high, always higher,
There are many to pull you down lower
Detach from them, & avoid a tragedy
Remember faith in self is the best strategy

Fly away, dream and make them come true
Life is all about what is inside you
Take risks and let go of the fear
Explore people and keep the loved ones close
You will be successful and reach new heights
While you do all that, we will keep you cherished in our sights!!!!

Written by - Ritika Patel

!!! Marry When You Know You Are "Ready" !!!

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My fingers numb a little. It’s been over five minutes that my cursor is looming over the ‘not interested’ tab under the profile of a prospective groom. The picture is a bit hazy, almost all of them are covered with glares, the family information and groom information sounds just about okay; however, none of it is enough to make me want to click on the ‘I am Interested’ tab in his profile. Yet, there is this voice in my head, which debates may be you can talk with them and then decide, too early and too little reasons to reject, at least meet him first, sometimes you just need to take a chance. What I, and I am sure a million other girls in my country, fail to understand is whether it is our own mind rationalizing with you, or is it the prerequisite of the society we have been nurtured in, that is echoing in our minds.

We fail to understand the truth behind our dilemma. Most often, our judgement is clouded with years old tradition, family culture, societal pressure along with the complicated combination of our own personal thinking. Sometimes all of these lead us into getting married for all the wrong reasons. I understand these days there are a great number of families who let their daughters choose their own partner, or families who involve their daughters as much as possible in searching for the right match. The others just tell their daughters when to get married, whom to get married to and why to get married. Although the ‘why to get married’ question is something that is a common denominator in all the households today. Every parent can come out with their own long essay on why their daughter needs to get married or 1001 perks of having a husband. In reality, I believe, this is one question, or perhaps the only question that every girl needs to ask herself before taking ‘the’ step.

Expectations

It starts when a girl is around ten or eleven, when the mothers casually remarks, “Do not speak so loudly, your in-laws will say that your mother didn’t teach you anything.” The story continues into adolescence “Look how dirty you are keeping your things, how will you manage your own home in future”, “Oh, we just want you to be married, then we can relax” or when you cross the age of eighteen, family wants the girls to graduate to at least being an amateur cook, because more than the girl itself the mother and the grandmother are worried that their daughter’s future husband might starve.

Every single remark during these conversations subtly inculcate the would be future picture in the girl’s mind, leaving her to think that the ultimate goal for her is to get married, find a good husband and keep him happy. It leads them to believe that everything they are taught is for the greater good of their future in-laws. No matter how ambitious then a girl becomes, the family focus lies only in getting them settled until then the family is generally in ‘duress’. If the girl gets married to end their duress, think again – she might end up with someone, which will lead to lifetime of stress!

People

“So, leave aside everything, you tell me first when are you getting married”, this will probably be the second or third statement from your aunt or uncle whenever they talk to you. They are the ones who make it their life’s mission to badger you and your family with matrimonial questions. Every get together, every gossip over tea, even a small interaction with neighbors while evening walk, or connecting with (already married) friend after weeks, everything will be circling around your questionable single hood.

Worse are those relatives who have already gotten all of their children married; they will talk about your family, as if, may be your family is not competent enough to perform the job of finding you a partner. If you are searching for a husband in increasing desperation in order to end this interrogation, think again!

Age factor

And then there is the famous age factor, every second that ticks by on your age clock is directly proportional to your parent’s pressure to get you married. They are worried for two reasons. One, all the ‘good young guys’ will be gone and their daughter will end up with an ‘average middle-aged balding man’, or two, you will not be able to bear children. But before you build your own myths about the age factor being the reason of having pregnancy problems, consult a reputed gynaecologist and get the right medical consult.

It will be prudent in today’s day and age that you decide yourself what is the right time for you. Having a child is a huge commitment in itself; ensure you are ready not only physically but mentally, emotionally and financially for this.

Career

Many people also draw a comparison between your career, or the lack of it, to the choice of getting married. When, what a girl is pursuing in her life is not deemed important, parents generally get the idea that she is done living her life and it’s time to get her married. Or god forbid,  if she is not pursuing a career or doesn’t hold a job, the only thing remaining for her would be to find an alliance, in order for her life to get a purpose.

Get married when you know you have a grip on your life, which does not necessarily mean you have to go out and get a fancy career to justify your time; absolutely not! All you need to know is what you want out of your life and how you envision yourself achieving it.

Dependency

Then there are some – who have been in one relationship after other, right from the time they understood the words ‘love’ or ‘relationship’. It gets increasing difficult for them to not be in a relationship as there is a pattern of dependency in their life. For such people, the state of being on your own might put them in a lot of discomfort. There is nothing wrong in wanting to have someone to depend upon, but it is also very important to understand that your companion is looking for the same qualities, and the only way you can play this role confidently is when you are independent in your thoughts, in your decisions and in your life.

Loneliness

On the other hand many of us tie a knot because we do not want to be lonely. And we might latch onto the first possible choice if the motivation behind the companionship is loneliness. Try to figure out who you really want to be with, and what you are looking for in your companion. If being alone with your own self is not only discomforting but next to impossible for you, then it’s high time you take some time out for yourself, sit in your own company and try to understand who are you. Pursuing your long lost interests can do you some good too, being alone need not be a bane; make it a boon.

Fear of pain

Another wrong reason to get married is when you are in a relationship for a long time, the pressure of taking that final step is constantly present. There are relationships which although exists for long but the only reason the girl and boy decides to take the final step is because they are guilty of leaving the other with a broken heart. They are guilty and scared to back out. But if you are not ready, or if marriage is something you do not want for yourself then, backing out will be a favor you will be doing to yourself and your companion. You need to be ready for the commitment and no one can talk you into doing so; it has to come from within. The willingness should be of your own.

End to celibacy

Then there are some people who just want the celibacy part of their life to be erased. Of all the reasons this one, right here, can be even more dangerous than the others. Lust will, in no way, lead you to find the right partner or even a smidgen of love in your relationship. In fact when the lust part is over, you might realize that the person you are waking up with every morning is not the one for you.

Marriage needs a lot of work, patience, endurance and maturity. First step towards understanding marriage is to have a complete understanding of yourself, your needs and your expectations from life. When you are having a good day or a bad day it will be your companion who will laugh or cry with you. When you will be desperately trying to get your children in the schools, it will be you with your spouse who will have to do all the hard work. When you will be sick in the middle of the night, it will be your spouse who will stay beside you. It will be your spouse who will tell you how great you are when you are having a horrible day. It will be your spouse who will give an ear to your cribbing, frustrations and disappointments.

Moreover, you will be the one doing all these things for your spouse too. So, ensure you are ready for this, ensure when you do get married the ‘time’ is right for ‘you’.

Image of the colourful rope via Shuterstock

Written By - Ritika Patel