Loneliness is a bitch. Especially when you are surrounded
with friends, acquaintances, couples, food, variety of people and even bigger
variety of beers. It starts to creep somewhere at the back of your mind and
before you know it; it engulfs all your senses. You are talking, but you cannot
listen anything, you are looking at people, but not able to see anything, you
are surrounded by deafening music but yet silence is all you feel, you are
moving with the music but after sometime you realize you are moving with the
train of your over powering thoughts instead.
For the first time in your life you find yourself at the Derby,
a laid back enthusiasm hovers in the stands, where some are busy deciding their
next bet, others hogging on to the delicacies being served during and in
between the races. But all you can see
is the way jockey pushes and pushes his horse to win, all you feel is a
dull ache somewhere at the center of your being, realizing that something in
you does not agree with what you are watching. Although the crowds’ deafening
roar erupting to cheer their respective numbers, brings you back a bit from all
your mulling, yet you fail to either participate or to understand the necessity of the entire act.
While you are trying to be acceptable with the fact that you
are already stuck at the stand for next couple of hours so you might try to
behave “not bothered or bored” and simultaneously trying to make an acquaintance
understand that why you don’t buy animal prints or ride them, exactly in that
moment one of the horses collapses just couple of yards before the finishing
line, and you experience something which the people in general describes as “having
your breathe caught in your throat”. With zillion experiences which can make
your breathe caught in your throat, you would have never picked this one even
if you have exhausted your chances of choosing all others. You stand there
frozen, trying hard to make the sense of words spoken by the commentator, when
he announces that the horse has just suffered a sudden heart attack. All the
others who have betted on the number printed on the cover draped across that
horse's back, are frustrated over the fact they lost their money, you look
around to see if anyone, even one of them, is talking about that living thing
that is now lieing on the ground still as a stone.
The moment is passed, the animal is taken away, and the races
continue as if nothing happened. You too mingle with the expected, eating,
drinking, chatting, dancing, trying your best to be social.
Although the race course is closed and the party has began you see then very clearly that they are all in derby in their own minds competing with self on endless dimensions.
Somewhere in
middle of all these, you look around and find yourself disconnected with everything, asking yourself one question you end up asking every single day, “what
the hell are you doing here”, “why are you even here”. Just like that the auto
pilot mode is switched off, and the feeling creeps in somewhere at the back of
your mind, gradually engulfing you, making you want to turn around and keep
walking, yet your social manners shackles you to the spot.
Even with the day spent the way it was spent, the only truly
enjoyable thing you remember doing is the walk you took at the end of the night
in pouring down rain, getting soaked to your skin as you walk towards your car
instead of running and somehow that ten minutes’ walk becomes the highlight of
your day, with every step the rain washes off, the talks, the music, the pretense,
the dense fog of escapism and the clutter of boxed emotions. The feeling that
has engulfed you isn’t bothering you anymore; it has grounded you instead,
making you whole.
Written By – Ritika Patel
