Sunday, October 25, 2015

!!! Evanescence !!!

They say moving ahead is all anyone can ever do. Its good, its positive and it keeps you hopeful. But life as I know it, it might look like we are making a choice but the truth of the life is that there is no other option with us than moving on. You have power to stop nothing, you may physically standstill but you cannot not stop time, you cannot stop the sunrise or sunsets, the laws of science or whatever is they call it will catch up with you, and you will have to keep moving, even if you think you aren't, you will still be withering away.

As I stand at the end of my twenties, my mind is in whirlwind of thoughts, each thought taking me down memory lane, some of it I didn't even realized I remember until recently, flashbacks so powerful, as if something is coming to an end, what exactly, I don't know, may be I am just being overly melodramatic about aging, that's the only plausible explanation I can give to myself so that I can remain sane until all of this gets over.
Only way I can handle these turbulent emotions, is by doing the only thing I do to handle everything else. I write.

I do come across as an extrovert, a peoples' person, but I know in hearts of heart, if given a choice I may never step out of my cocoon ever, given the fact I do not like ninety nine percent of the people I meet and interact with on daily basis. The biggest reason of the same is because in all my life I have never met a person who would not spend his life and words proving the correctness of his thoughts, his opinion, his way of life and living, or how very humble and good they are, either by rubbing it in your face, or being pitiful in order for you to sympathize with them by telling them that they are doing the best they could. In all my life I haven't met a single person who would come and say that they are not good people. Why I am writing about this, is coz recently though, I do understand why, exactly why sometimes a room full of people might make you feel like the only person in the room.

Looking back at the years I have lived, I know now, I am not a good person, nor am I bad. I am not humble nor boastful, neither honest nor a liar, am not someone with a heart of gold not exactly possessing a black heart either.  I have shades, so many of them that it becomes difficult for me to hold all of my self in my own mind sometimes, shades, many of which does not make me proud.
Truth remains I am a complicated individual, too far away from simplicity. I understand the meaning of being content, but still I want everything reasonable/unreasonable. I lived in my own world since the time I remember. I am a perfectionist who is not perfect, strong minded individual with lack of perseverance, as deep as shallow, full of hang ups, full of grudges,feelings like empathy, forgiveness, humbleness, kindness, doesn't come easily to me. I have had my heart broken more times I could count, and yet I fail to learn from it and many more darker, deeper shades that makes the bigger part of my being, that people around me know not of.
So when you look back at twenty something years of your life, look back at all the things you wanted to do but did not pursue, look back at the things you did do which doesn't make sense any more,  look back and realize you do not recognize the person you have been, or you have not been even an ounce of what you wanted. I wonder now, what exactly does it say about you?

Written By - Shade of Me


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