The weirdest thing about writing I gathered is that there are times when you don’t realize a thought or a perception that lingers in your mind until and unless you pen it down.
I was remembering the “old” me , The “confident” Me, The “nothing can touch me” Me, The “carefree” Me, The “princess” Me. Oh how much I loved myself back then the strength, the attitude, the courage, the wisdom I use to carry It was an excitement in itself. But looking at me now I can’t even start counting the changes that had occurred in these couple of years, it’s frighting and at the same moment very overwhelming.
I kept every person and every relation at bay, and the moment it cross the line, I use to flip out and put all types of guards up around me. Not even in the most frighting nightmare had I ever thought that putting the slightest bit of my guards down or a slight change in my priorities will flip my world upside down. I have been appreciated, acknowledged, admired, envied upon, played upon, betrayed, lied to, hurt, insulted, humiliated (I am not ashamed of accepting it), laughed on, and what not. Every thing that scared the death out of me has happened to me one by one taking its time to take a depressive toll on me.
And I can’t love myself less for getting out of it sometimes by support and sometimes on my own. And every single thing that has happened to me has changed something in me. Many changes I embraced with open arms and some I am still trying to repress. But what makes me think is – whatever has happened to me will that stop me from doing what I did back then, whatever has happened to me makes me think will I do something differently If given a chance. And I encounter one of the rarest occasions when your heart and brain are in unison as they shout “no” at me.
And again I feel thankful of every single thing that has happened to me so far; I would not lie saying I have loved the journey – NO. But yes I am way less scared of my life now, I am way less scared of emotions or less fearful of “putting myself out there”. Yes I had to suffer a lot to gain such perspective in life, along the way there were times when I lost my self respect voluntarily holding on to the illusions of life but again I would not regret any of it because though I am not completely in Love with me as I use to be.
But I am far more thankful that my actions, situations or circumstances had yet not destroyed my soul. And for that I take a lot of pride – that no matter how many punches life has given you and no matter how many punches you have taken voluntarily, If nothing has touched your soul as if yet, you are still a winner.
Written By - Ritika Patel