In the moment of core desperation of my dear friend and subtle understanding of his situation from my end, he abruptly looks at me and ask "You don't understand how helpless it feels to be in a god forsaken relationship which is sucking the life out of your very soul every moment, that even with clear understanding of the situation you fail to get away from that person".
And all I could do was, look at him and smile with no words to say and no other expression to explain to him that I "exactly" know and when I say "exactly", I mean I literally am aware of how it feels & how utterly stupid and dick headed one can be when you are stuck in a relation where all you get every moment is a snap out of the person you got deeply connected with, that, only after several (I mean uncountable) hours of crying, days of self counseling, and bouts of courage that comes and go as quickly as cold breezes in Mumbai, that you gather enough wisdom to pull back your roots from the ground.... where you find your self respect, your emotions, and your dignity lying under the heaps of dead leaves.
So yes I know "exactly" how you feel & may be more than you are allowing yourself to feel right now. I once promised myself - that forgotten past will never find place in my thoughts or in my blog ever. But sometimes for friends you have to do... what you have to do.
No I did not feel bad when you smirked when I said it’s just the “time”, let it pass as it wants to and one day you will forget about what this miserable moment made you feel.
I had a friend, or so as I use to think, long time ago, it was a fairy tale friendship, stronger than the Congress, blissful than ignorance and more unconditional than my sibling's love for chocolates, or so was my belief. But suddenly I was shaken out of my dream by my own pleading soul, it was then that I realized that my extremely confident, carefree self, who always had lot of friends is suddenly turned into a loner whose only mode of survival was the scraps of compassion thrown at her, as rarely as street dog's full meal.
It was then that I realized (too late) that the mode of survival of that person is “its” sadistic nature and the desperate need of being in an emotionally screwed up environment all the time, as without such drama that person use to start suffering from identity crisis.
Before such time my days use to start with a peaceful smile and end with shrieking laughter with my friends and roomies, but I threw away all of that so that I can get sucked deeper into the world of self loathing, extreme violence, psychotic behavior, physical, emotional and extreme verbal abuse never had I met a person who was beyond inhumanity and conscience –less, but who wanted to understand that!!!
Yes you may think it sounds like a bloody shit hole well that’s what it was, but before you start sympathising with me let me confess I suffered by the hands of my own foolishness and weakness, there’s nobody to blame for what happened other than myself may be because I may have allowed a wrong person to enter my life while completely disregarding my intuitions or may be because I waited too long to walk away…. But very glad that gradually it all evaporated..
I tell you all this so that unlike me you can escape from the irreversible damage and unavoidable changes that a hopeless relationship brings into your life.
When the time comes for you to take a decision, to step back and start thinking about making things better, you will only blame yourself for the consequences But till such time I will keep repeating what I ought to like annoying ads at doordarshan, not because you are my friend or anything, but because you will have one less person to blame, when you will be desperately trying to find one thing/person to blame it all on.. ;) :p
Love ya alwayss
